You just talk to fill the gap

You just talk to fill the gap
Because there’s an eerie feeling
With a void’s presence
It’s called vertigo
Shrinking from the void
Blank space, emptiness
Not even the sound of silence
Just the deafening tone of nothingness
It crushes the brain
And squeezes the heart
Feel your eyes gorge out
It’s about wanting to run
Yet knowing too well there’s no way out
It’s funny how you grasp your hand
Sink your nails onto the skin
Strangely enjoying the pain
But you turn the TV on
Laugh, get annoyed
Finding humor on a newscaster’s mole
Open a bottle a beer
A bag of chips
It doesn’t matter
But the jaws tire of chewing
And livers have limitations
And of course,
What about tomorrow?
For the lucky ones
There’s a convenience store
And remaining load on their cellphones

September 2006

When you focus on being sad

It’s always sad
When you focus on being sad
What I mean by this
Is not needing your own shadow
Very much like the peace of the dead
But of course, not being dead
These thoughts on life
They just swarm your head, you know?
They’re seemingly relentless
There’s food to eat
A place to sleep
A heart that needs tending
It’s just somehow – very tiring
Release, now that’s a fine word
Almost sacred, if not frowned at
I’m fine, I tell you
I need no pills
My shirt is fine
Straitjacket, I appreciate the offer
But no thank you –
With beer I’ll be better
I just have no talent at living
That’s all
At least allow me
The right to suck at something
Not everyone can shoot hoops
So why can’t I not be…
Unambitious?
My cheeks aren’t used to smile
And roses don’t suit my nose
Say what? There’s the door?
No sir. No thank you, no
For I’m not yet done
Basking in the gloom
You have your joy
I have my misery
Why can’t you give the same pity?
My laughter’s silent
Yet your scorn’s apparent?
What is it that you find abhorrent?
Am I not – human too?
At least as equally as you
I care not for the truth
Just some words to come forth
I’m not sad for being unhappy
Nor unhappy for being sad
It’s just we want the same chance
That is to live as best as we can

2007

I’ve seen a man being hanged

I’ve seen a man being hanged
On his head was a black bag
The floor gave way
The rope squeezed his neck
He was choking from what I can tell
His hands were tied,
So only his feet jerked around
Two minutes or so
He’s dead from what I can tell.
It was a limp body
Hung at the neck
With a black bag for a head
Six was my age then
It was short and new
To see it again,
I really wanted to

And later I did
Only with a slight difference
At home I entered
And there I saw it again
Another man, with a rope on his neck
Just kicked the chair
And saw me as he fell
You’d think he’d changed his mind
Yet it was all too late
The chair already fell
I saw his face clearly
That man was my father
Looking back, I think he wanted help
I think he wanted to stop
Out of embarrassment
For I did intrude upon
A very private moment
Like wanting your clothes
After being caught naked

I was petrified
I was no longer fascinated
It was horrible and pathetic
I saw his eyes almost explode
The slobber on his mouth
His tongue straining out
Saw his arms pull at the rope
Then let go, over and over
His legs kicking all over
Then shiver.
Three minutes or so
He’s dead from what I can tell
It was a limp body
Hung at the neck
With the head of my father
It was short and new
To see it again,
I’d never want to.

December 2007

Hit by a rock on the head

Hit by a rock on the head
It hurt; it bled
Looked around, no one’s in sight
Looked up to the heavens
Only dark skies
Where it came from, I wonder?
I looked for the rock,
It’s gone.
I was standing in sand,
By the seashore
Only waves back and forth
Where it came from, I wonder?
Just the whispering waves.
A wimpy wind blowing
No footprints in the sand
Not even my own.
But my blood is warm
And the wound throbs
But I am glad
It gave me something to ponder
Started walking and thinking
Began my expectant searching
Where it came from, I wonder?
That was years ago.
All I found was sea, sky and sand.
And yet I am glad.

December 2007